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Wednesday, July 28, 2010

inspired by 27b stroke 6 dot com

I have my resume posted on and the first line of text on my resume reads, "Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster." Some recruiters ignore this stricture. Perhaps they see it as a challenge. This week FOUR people from the same recruiting company have tried to contact me about the same job.

Mark,  I am writing in regards to your resume on Monster.  I am unfortunately not a principle but do have a direct client with a requirement in Waltham for a senior level Linux administrators.  This is a permanent position so my involvement would be limited to an introduction.  Please let  me know if  you would have any interest in this role.  I can be reached by email or my direct desk number is 666-666-2686

Wow. Cool. You're the fourth person from to spam me about this job. Are you going for a company record or something?

Funny thing is, I actually replied to one of your cohorts and never heard back. That's probably because I replied to his email with email rather than using a phone. My bad. I broke protocol.

Speaking of which, why is it that recruiters can only send email and not apparently receive it? Or perhaps they are able to write but for some mysterious reason cannot read it. The mind boggles. But it's probably something simple like, you guys are so busy adding value-addedness to the economy you only have time to check email once a day.

Best of luck!

Matt sorry I offended you. I am trying to do my job and at the same time potentially find you a job.  Not exactly sure how you formed this opinion of recruiters and how we are not quite as noble as lets say a sys admin.  Good luck with all of your stereotypes and shortsightedness.

Hello Sean.

I accept your most sincere apology. I realize you are merely trying to help me in my hour of need, and your altruistic gesture should lauded.

How did you learn of my noble lineage? I am indeed a descendent of King Zog of Albania but I try to keep this quiet as I prefer to have people treat me as just another Joe Sixpack, though I do not have sixpack abs. Once people know I have the blood of kings coursing through my veins they insist upon kissing my pinkie ring and bowing when they greet me. This makes me feel uncomfortable and the ring kissing may result in the transmission of the Herpes virus.

Go forth and conquer!

His Royal Inestimability,
Archduke Zog

You know you are not exactly saving the world or even producing anything yourself.  This is a service driven economy and we both provide a service.  I wish you were met by such an asshole in your daily routine and you may think twice about your behavior, karma can be a bitch though so I will sleep well tonight. A little piece of advice if you are so adverse to people contacting you and are in such a great place that you need not consider any other potential opportunities, stop posting your info on Monster.  In another act of selfless altruism may I suggest you not spend one more second worrying about contracting herpes people as annoying as you cannot form the required relationships and I am fairly certain that is something you will never have to concern yourself with (unless of course you are paying) 

Dear Sean.

How little you know of me. I have made my humble attempts to save the world whenever and wherever I could. I am most proud of how I divested myself of my ancestral holdings in Albania after the Iron Curtain fell. bequeathed my most fertile lands to the poorest Gypsys and the two castles (winter and summer) were donated to the Sisters of The Holy Oatmeal, to be used as orphanages.

In my vocation I have vowed never to support the products produced by Microsoft, a company which has been convicted of monopolistic practices. I have no truck with felonious organizations. Instead I choose to support Linux, which can never become closed source or be owned by any person or corporation. I believe this is the path our Lord Jesus Christ would have chosen had be been born a sysadmin rather than a carpenter.

As for my Monster account, I have repeatedly asked Monster to close my account and they have been unable to do so. When I last tried phoning Monster, my call was transferred to a sweatshop worker in Hyderabad who could not speak proper English, nor could he fathom why anyone could want to have his account closed. The very concept was beyond his ken.

My original motivation for wanting to close out my Monster account was a news story I read on the Internet about a hacker who was able to download all of Monster's resume database to a single IP address in Russia. He's probably a billionaire by now from all the identity thievery he was able to pull off, but for us poor saps who trusted Monster to keep its Microsoft Windows webservers secure, it's a nightmare.

I bid you peace and a bountiful potato harvest.

-- His Buick Regalness, Zog.

1 comment:

  1. You had a valid point but being a Fucking Asshole certainly undermines it.

    RW Stoufus